Four Tips On Picking Up Somebody Else’s Baby Daddy

It’s not that I really mind getting hit on by women when I take Chick Pea out by myself. I mean, it’s flattering and all, and I don’t want to discourage it. But please, all you baby’s mamas and disaffected housewives, you need to bring your A-game. I’ve seen way too many mistakes lately. Here are a few things you may want to keep in mind the next time you’re scoping out the father of someone else’s child in the park, mall, or payday advance center:

Don’t have your mom (the granny) do your dirty work.

The Ultimate Bait

The Ultimate Bait

Remember when your friend did this for you in that bar 18 months ago? That may have been a factor that contributed to your current situation. It says desperate and weak if you need your mom to come up and talk to me first, then introduce me to you. The best you can hope for out of this situation is that we’ll have one play date, you’ll supply the juice and crackers, and I’ll never call you again.

 

Don’t strategically place your child near mine to get your foot in the door.
I know you’re thinking that they’ll become instant playground friends. In your head they’ll be giving each other toddler hugs and kisses within a few minutes and I’ll sit down beside you on the bench and ask all about your little darling, and eventually you. Sorry, but it probably won’t go down like that. More than likely that encounter is going to end in your kid crying and possibly bleeding. Don’t blame me. I didn’t teach her to behave this way–it’s genetic.

Some married guys may be a little resistant to your advances
Let me clarify here. It’s a fantasy of most guys to meet a single mom who’s depending on her parents to support her and her kids(s) and may or may not have been to rehab a couple of times. Bonus if you yell at your kids over every little thing they do and fill the toddler’s sippy cup with soft drinks. Unfortunately for you, after they’ve made a commitment to someone else, some guys have a problem giving in to this fantasy. So if your target is a married guy, it would help for you to be really hot. Did I say hot? I meant really rich. Oh yeah, and it wouldn’t hurt if you’re really hot.

Bring better snacks than The Missus packed for us
If you need help reading between the lines, that means B-E-E-R. I’m spelling it out because mine repeats everything now, and I don’t want her talking to her mom about me drinking the beer you brought to the park. I mean, everything she says sounds like “Padasht”, but it will be pretty obvious she’s talking about my drinking when she starts stumbling around and falls on her ass, then just laughs about it. Mom will know something is up because she never packs beer for us when we go out. If you don’t have beer, I could possibly be lured into striking distance with a Fudge Round or a bag of Tom’s salt and vinegar potato chips.

These aren’t hard and fast rules, just general guidelines.  For instance, some dads may prefer hard liquor to beer, and others may actually be happy to talk to your mom, what with the Cougar Craze sweeping the nation right now.  As is the case any time you are on the prowl for someone to play dad to your kids temporarily, you’ll have to feel each situation out and adjust your strategy.

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Comments

Thanks for the laugh, I enjoyed it. Just a suggestion, beer is called Daddy juice in my house.

@tlittle and thanks for reading. I appreciate it. However, I have to ask that you never use the term “Daddy juice” in the comments here ever again.

I’m trying to run a family operation here.

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