Wu Tang Financial

A lot of people are worried about these unstable financial times. A few years ago Dave Chappelle tried to help America, but I’m not sure how many people listened. I don’t think you have to be down with the Wu to understand how funny this is, but references to the Ol’ Dirty Bastard help if you know a little something about him (or Dirt McGirt). We can only speculate as to why he wasn’t able to be at the conference.

Green. Get the money. Dollar dollar bill ya’ll.

Is There Any Choice Other Than The Free Market?

I’ll take any motherfucker’s money if they’re giving it away.”
–Clay Davis

One of the biggest arguments I read against allowing the market to solve problems like health care and fuel costs is that the market simply can’t do it. Why not?

The argument goes that these businesses, along with the pharmaceutical companies, are basically government supported monopolies. They’ve been allowed to run roughshod over the consumer, charging outrageous prices and raking in cash left and right while the average person suffers from their oppression. How did this happen?

Reelect Clay DavisThe argument goes that politicians are bought and paid for by these companies. They have highly paid lobbyists who influence legislation that allows their industries to thrive, and they have friends in high places that are former board members and/or holders of large portions of their stocks.

According to the argument, the government, politicians, regulatory commissions, and entire bureaucracies are basically extensions of these powerful corporations and are nothing more than puppets held by Wall Street strings. It’s actually a pretty convincing argument, and from what I’ve seen recently seems pretty reasonable.

Now let me get this straight–the solutions to these problems lie in government? According to the argument, isn’t that the cause of the problem to begin with?

Me Fit? Maybe Not. How About Wii Fit?

So the other night I was watching Chelsea Handler and she had Tina Yothers on. You know, the girl from Family Ties who wasn’t Mallory? Anyway, she was pretty hard core about being on Celebrity Fit Club, and seemed like a pretty cool woman, so the next time I saw Celebrity Fit Club was on I watched about 10 minutes of it.

Still with me? Ok, during the commercial break there was a commercial for the Wii Fit featuring Tina Yothers working out. I sort of assumed that the Wii Fit or something like it already existed, but the commercial said it was coming soon. I went over the Amazon to check out this video for the Wii, which isn’t quite as cool as the Tina Yothers commercial, mostly because Tina Yothers isn’t in it.

I watched the long version of the video, and I gotta tell you…I can’t see anyone getting fit with this thing for a few reasons. I can see where it’s better than just hanging out on the couch, but I don’t see it getting anyone truly fit.

The “heavy bag” is just punching the air. If you’ve ever spent any quality time with a heavy bag you know exactly why it wears you down–because it’s heavy. I don’t have the exact numbers, but the density of air probably isn’t anything close to the density of a heavy bag. How is this different from the regular Wii boxing game?

Then there’s the strength training program that has you doing push-ups and torso twists. Again, better than nothing, but do you need a trainer for this? And jogging in place? Really? The balance games looked pretty fun, but I don’t see how you can practice balance without actually having to balance. I mean, without actually feeling gravity, they’re more like leaning games than balance games.

I guess I’m saying that there’s no way I’d buy this game. Then again, I don’t even have a Wii.

8 Shows That Would Be Better Than Rock of Love

I’ll never be able to forgive myself for watching both seasons of Rock of Love in their entirety. The only thing I can do that would possibly atone for my actions is recommend a few shows to VH1 that may allow me to gain some of my self respect back. In no particular order, here are eight shows that would be more interesting and more entertaining than Rock of Love.

Nikki SixxThe Purity is Right With Nikki Sixx

Contestants shoot heroin with the Motley Crue bassist and try to guess it’s purity. The contestant closest to the actual purity level without going over gets to spin the big wheel, which contains various rehab packages. The grand prize includes detox and a spot on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. All contestants receive a complimentary double dose at the methadone clinic good for one visit only.

 

 

David Lee RothSurvivor DLR

Contestants are stranded on a deserted island with David Lee Roth. Instead of being voted off of the island, contestants remove themselves voluntarily. The contestant who can stand DLR the longest is the winner. The game gets harder as more contestants leave and survivors are forced to spend more and more time with Diamond Dave.

 

 

 

Kid RockThe Ultimate Fighter with Kid Rock

The concept is pretty simple–we follow Kid Rock as he tours the country’s Waffle House’s and nightly challenges drunks in pugilistic competition. A game show? Not really, although I guess you could consider anyone who doesn’t get Kid Rock’s bodily fluids on them a winner.

 

 

 

Ozzy OsbourneWhat’s My Line with Ozzy Osbourne

Unlike the original “What’s My Line”, contestants on this show simply listen to Ozzy and translate. Contestants accrue points based on the number of words in each sentence they are able to correctly identify. The winner gets to avoid ever having to know anything about Ozzy’s annoying offspring for the rest of their lives.

 

 

 

Lars UlrichName Buy That Tune with Lars Ulrich

Lars hosts this new version of the old classic, but with a catch. When a contestant successfully names a tune they are immediately swarmed by lawyers and retired concert security guys with RIAA t-shirts (sleeves rolled up of course). If the contestant is not able to produce proof that they actually purchased the song they’ve just heard, they must choose between being sued by Metallica’s attorneys or having the security guys bludgeon them with those big flashlights (after which you will be sued anyway).

 

 

 

Axl RoseThe Roadie with Axl Rose

This one is sort of like The Apprentice. Each night, Axl Rose will either cancel an appearance, no-show the event, or storm off stage pissed off. Axl will then decide which contestant was responsible for the mishap and fire one. The winner of The Roadie earns the right to be blamed at the next concert for Axl’s behavior, and subsequently fired.

 

 

 

 

Def LepppardCelebrity Arm Wrestling with The Drummer From Def Leppard

No commentary necessary. On second thought, why did I even post this?

 

 

The Biggest Loser

This one is special because it actually pits celebrities people who used to be in bands against one another to see who truly is the biggest loser, literally. It should probably feature the members of bands like Faster Pussycat, Enuff Znuff, Britny Fox, and Vixen

WWE Does Something Really Classy

Ric Flair

I’ve pretty much stopped watching wrasslin’, mostly due to the great Hornswaggle debacle of 2007. But I tuned in tonight to find out what happened at Wrestlemania. I was surprised to find out that Ric Flair was retiring. Just an angle? I thought so, but now I don’t.

At the end of the show, Flair gave his retirement speech, which was basically a thank you to the fans. Then HHH came out and thanked Flair and introduced a bunch of other guys who wanted to say thanks as well–guys I haven’t seen in a long time–The Four Horsemen, including Arn Anderson, JJ Dillon, Dean Milenko, Tully Blanchard, and Barry Windham. Lots of other old school wrestlers too–Ricky Steamboat, Greg Valentine, and Harley Race. Then some prominent guys who are currently wrestling and are close to Flair personally came out, then the whole cast came out.

Flair was crying, and everyone in the arena was chanting, “Thank you Ric!” A very nice way to pay tribute to a guy who IS professional wrestling, at least to people of my generation.

Whooo!

By the way, noticeably absent? Vincent K. McMahon.

5 Reasons Bret Michaels is the Lamest “Rock Star” Ever

I remember when Poison was really popular and I thought they were stupid. Mostly it was because I was a music snob back then, but a lot of it had to do with the fact that they just sucked.

Now we have Rock Of Love, and honestly, I can think of 5 people I know right now who are happily married with kids and regular ol’ jobs who act more like rock stars than Bret Michaels. I had Easter dinner with one of them (and our wives and kids) today, after he got out of church of course. I think we drank enough beer between the two of us–it had to have been 2/3 of a six pack–to put Bret Michaels under the table.

I wouldn’t let this guy be a roadie for a boy band–that’s how NOT Rock Star he is. I submit these five facts for your consideration.

1. He has no game. None.

You would think that after having girls throw themselves at him for a few years in the 80s, he would at least have a little bit of game. This guy couldn’t close the deal with a drunk hooker if he had crapped crack and pissed liquid gold. Want to see a rock star with game? Give me (of course) David Lee Roth.

2. No famous chicks want to date him

Bret Michaels is was actually attractive and famous. And he has to go on TV to get a date? Yeah he dated Pam Anderson (briefly) a long time ago. But my guess is she quickly figured out how lame he is (see reason #1). Even the girl he picked in the first season of Rock of Love didn’t want to date him, presumably because she was already too famous for him. Let me have Rick Ocasek, Billie Joel, Adam Clayton, Kid Rock or instead of this Z-list supporter.

3. He took the girls’ exes to Dave and Busters.

Not a trip into and out of Vegas for a weekend on a private jet. Not a run to Tijuana to get tats and piercings. Not even a strip club. Dave and Freaking Busters. Give me a break. Nothing says ROCK STAR like sipping on a Zima and playing a few rounds of skee-ball and wak-a-mole, huh? Instead, I’d like to see Lemmy from Motorhead. Yeah, he’s not going to go anywhere uber-cool either, but he’ll show up with a cooler full of beer and keep you up all night telling funny stories and burning you with cigarettes when he catches you nodding off. That’s cool.

4. He’s never fought a member of Motley Crue

As far as I know, he hasn’t fought anybody. Not that I’m surprised by that–I’m sure he’d get his ass kicked. But he’s never even shown that he has a temper. I’ve never heard stories of dressing rooms being trashed. I’ve never heard of him being thrown out of a club for breaking a beer bottle across someone’s face. Nothing. I’d so much rather watch this show with Tommy Lee, who I bet has fought EVERY member of Motley Crue at one time or another.

5. He’s never been to rehab

That’s actually admirable for people like me and you. But this is America. We like our rock stars either troubled, violent, or toxic–preferably all three. He’s never even been drunk on his own “party like a rock star” TV show. I have a feeling that “Bret’s Brew” is actually 30% lemonade, 30% fruit punch, 30% Sprite and 10% soda water. Give me Bret’s old guitar player, C.C. DeVille in his place. At least there’s a chance he’ll go on a coke binge and freak out right in front of our eyes.

Jitterbug Cell Phone For Older People…Seriously?

I get the fact that there is a big demographic of seniors that may not be reached by the majority of mobile phone services. But I don’t think this commercial sends that message. To me, this is borderline insulting to older people. Watch it first, and let me know what impression it makes on you.

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OK, to me this commercial says:

We understand the needs of older people, and we’re doing something about it. Our phone has big numbers, since you’ve probably never used any touch tone phone and can’t count to ten. We don’t expect you to have that complicated keypad layout memorized.

And sure, you can control the volume on any other phone, but that’s complicated. This phone has one setting–LOUD. That will make it seem more natural when you yell back into it.

Besides that, old people are too stupid to figure out something as complicated as a cell phone. You’ll need us to help you save names and numbers into the phone, because there’s no way you’d ever think of something as clever as writing them down instead.

Not my words, mind you, just what this commercial says to me. Was this made by SNL? It reminds me of the “DVDs My Wife Made” digital short from a couple of weeks ago.

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Time For SNL To Get Beat Down By the Hansons

SlapshotA couple of weeks ago I watched Saturday Night Live for the first time in a long time. It was the first show after the writers’ strike ended, and Tina Fey was hosting. It was one of the best episodes I’ve ever seen. I didn’t get to see last week’s episode, but I started watching tonight thinking they’d gotten back on track.

Nope. Honestly, I think it may be time to end this show. Just a few reasons why…

Weekend Update

Weekend Update, when it was good, worked because of the snarky commentary on current events. But it doesn’t work anymore. Why? Because by the time I watch the Weekend Update snarky commentary on Tuesday’s primaries, I’ve already been reading snarky commentary on blogs for five days.

The Intro Skit

This skit is almost always political in nature, and because of that it is much like Weekend Update…played out by the time Saturday rolls around. This week they did a spoof of Hillary’s “3 am phone call” commercial. That’s great. It was even better on YouTube this week when everybody else did it.

Musical Guests

I know I’m old, but geez. Does anyone care about these musical guests anymore? They had Tom Petty in his prime, The Cars in their prime, and next week’s musical guest is…Janet Jackson? She was on Tyra Banks this week…’nuff said.

Anyway, I turned SNL off and am watching Slapshot for the upteenth time instead. It’s still funny. Besides the digital shorts there’s nothing left worth watching on SNL.

Time to put on the foil coach.

LOSTer’n’a Easter Egg

Last week’s episode of LOST (“The Constant”) answered a lot of questions for me–I thought.  My idea was that the island is the nexus for all possible universes.  This would explain why Jack’s father is alive in the future and Kate is so protective of Aaron.  I think that in the universe they return to Jack’s dad never went to Australia, so Claire was never born, therefore Aaron couldn’t exist.  But Claire came to the island from a universe where she does exist, and Aaron was born there.  Via the island he was able to move from a universe where he does exist to one where he doesn’t, or at least isn’t supposed to.

I was really looking forward to getting more answers this week.

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