Here are ten phrases and terms I’d like to work into my daily conversation arsenal:
My sources are telling me
The biggest no-brainer in the history of earth
Working like heck
Boondoggle
Let’s break this down
Change
That’s a good point
My old lady
I don’t think you understand your question
Not guilty
There are plenty of others, but this is a good list to start with. Â If I can work one or two in on a regular basis I’m sure to annoy friends and law enforcement regularly.
I just realized last night why the ol’ gov’ment is so concerned about the stock market’s behavior over the last couple of weeks–they are afraid of competition. Â I’m not talking about competition among business operating in an free market. Â I’m talking about the free market’s competition with the gov’ment.
Up until now, the only way to achieve the negative returns people have seen in their 401ks was Social Security.Â
This cruiser is the first one to boast an authentic grass lawn on its top deck.
I’m assuming the purpose of the grass is to keep you from getting a huge lump on your forehead when you smack it onto the top deck when tackling another unsuspecting passenger?
Remind me to tell you that story some time.
I’ve only been on one cruise, and I didn’t like it. Â I have a hunch that a certain unsuspecting fellow passenger didn’t like it either.
Back in my mall ratting days (18 or 19 years ago), I was in awe of the guy who worked at Dippin’ Dots. Â I mean, it’s the Ice Cream of the Future, and this guy gets to work around it all day..IN THE PRESENT!
I was at the mall today, and I think I saw the same guy working there. Â Now I feel bad for him. Â The future has passed him by. Â
Now, will someone please tell Dippin’ Dots that the ice cream revolution they’ve been waiting for probably isn’t going to happen? Â Even those of us who bought into their radical new ideas of frozen dessert anarchy (let’s call it what it is) have grown up and given in to Marble Slab and Cold Stone’s traditional style ice cream. Â Sorry, those mixins are just irresistible.
It’s not that I really mind getting hit on by women when I take Chick Pea out by myself. I mean, it’s flattering and all, and I don’t want to discourage it. But please, all you baby’s mamas and disaffected housewives, you need to bring your A-game. I’ve seen way too many mistakes lately. Here are a few things you may want to keep in mind the next time you’re scoping out the father of someone else’s child in the park, mall, or payday advance center:
Don’t have your mom (the granny) do your dirty work.
The Ultimate Bait
Remember when your friend did this for you in that bar 18 months ago? That may have been a factor that contributed to your current situation. It says desperate and weak if you need your mom to come up and talk to me first, then introduce me to you. The best you can hope for out of this situation is that we’ll have one play date, you’ll supply the juice and crackers, and I’ll never call you again.
Don’t strategically place your child near mine to get your foot in the door.
I know you’re thinking that they’ll become instant playground friends. In your head they’ll be giving each other toddler hugs and kisses within a few minutes and I’ll sit down beside you on the bench and ask all about your little darling, and eventually you. Sorry, but it probably won’t go down like that. More than likely that encounter is going to end in your kid crying and possibly bleeding. Don’t blame me. I didn’t teach her to behave this way–it’s genetic.
Some married guys may be a little resistant to your advances
Let me clarify here. It’s a fantasy of most guys to meet a single mom who’s depending on her parents to support her and her kids(s) and may or may not have been to rehab a couple of times. Bonus if you yell at your kids over every little thing they do and fill the toddler’s sippy cup with soft drinks. Unfortunately for you, after they’ve made a commitment to someone else, some guys have a problem giving in to this fantasy. So if your target is a married guy, it would help for you to be really hot. Did I say hot? I meant really rich. Oh yeah, and it wouldn’t hurt if you’re really hot.
Bring better snacks than The Missus packed for us
If you need help reading between the lines, that means B-E-E-R. I’m spelling it out because mine repeats everything now, and I don’t want her talking to her mom about me drinking the beer you brought to the park. I mean, everything she says sounds like “Padasht”, but it will be pretty obvious she’s talking about my drinking when she starts stumbling around and falls on her ass, then just laughs about it. Mom will know something is up because she never packs beer for us when we go out. If you don’t have beer, I could possibly be lured into striking distance with a Fudge Round or a bag of Tom’s salt and vinegar potato chips.
These aren’t hard and fast rules, just general guidelines. For instance, some dads may prefer hard liquor to beer, and others may actually be happy to talk to your mom, what with the Cougar Craze sweeping the nation right now. As is the case any time you are on the prowl for someone to play dad to your kids temporarily, you’ll have to feel each situation out and adjust your strategy.
Here that? That’s the muffled sound of cars running in closed garages all over East Tennessee. There are big problems in the area. Well, big problems unless you advertise on sports radio here and want your ad heard in between the “Fire Fulmer” calls. It seems like I wrote this exact post exactly one year ago. Oh yeah, I did.
After the stats about how long it’s been since the Vols won an SEC Championship, coasting since 1998, and how good Florida is every year, we’ll be asked that age old question…
“When are we gonna get somebody in here that can get it done?”
SVD is documenting his forays into these mediums (where else) on his blog. All of these things mean so many different things to different people. Here’s how I like to describe them…
When I send you an email, it’s the equivalent of me inviting you over to the house for a cup of coffee. We’re sitting at the kitchen table having a conversation. This has a few implications. For instance, “thanks” is not acceptable for an email in its entirety. I wouldn’t invite you over to my house to say “Thanks” and then slam the door in your face would I? Don’t be surprised, however, if I come banging on your door to borrow an egg or some milk though. These are the emails where I ask stupid questions.
When I write something on my blog and people comment, it’s the equivalent of me standing out in my yard and talking to whatever neighbors happen to drop by to talk. I’m lazy, so I’m probably sitting in a chair instead of standing, but you get the idea. Anyone is free to drop by and discuss, even if they don’t live in my ‘hood. This has implications too. For instance, driving by and yelling “F You!” or walking up and trying to sell me Viagra means you’re going to be ignored. Also, my “yard” isn’t as nice or visited by as many passers by as some. See, my yard isn’t near an interstate–it’s more like a gravel road–so there usually aren’t as many people stopping by. On some days, I just sit out there whittling and taking naps all by myself. Other days I just stay inside and nap. If you stop by, it helps to bring beer.
And Twitter? Twitter is like all of us are piled into a bunch of eighteen wheelers and talking on CBs with antennas so big that the whole world can tune in. Anytime something important happens, it will hit Twitter as fast as news of a Smoky seen setting up a speed trap. Anyone with their ears on will definitely know about it.
Wait, I have a better description for Twitter…
Twitter is like ham radio for people who can get a date.
Thanks to all of the new readers I’ve picked up in the past couple of days for subscribing. Nothing like a naked chick in a public park to boost readership, huh? And thanks to all of my readers who were with me long before this latest bit of urgent news hit Tennessee. Sorry if you guys were locked out yesterday–we had a little bandwidth issue while people were flooding the gate.
Something that came up in the discussion about the naked woman on the playground in Barlett was whether or not this woman had actually done anything wrong. Lots of folks were throwing up the fact that there are nude beaches in city A or this had been challenged in city B and that the Baptist minister should get a life. Others were saying that she’s unequivocally wrong and damn her to hell. So who’s right? I think it really comes down to community standards.
Yeah, this is the United States where we take everything to the Supreme Court that may involve free speech, but let’s just step back for a minute and look at this calmly. What’s wrong with a community setting its own standards of decency, and what’s wrong with respecting that standard? It’s not as if the fine folks in Bartlett want to outlaw bumper stickers or women showing their wrists. They just don’t want hot naked chicks playing in their parks.
I know you may be thinking, “why would you want to limit the presence of hot naked chicks anywhere?” Well, if you’ve ever been to a topless beach, you are well aware that for every hot topless French chick there are about 15 disgusting old German women who are topless as well. All of your hopes and dreams about a topless beach are quickly vanquished. All of a sudden, you are perfectly ok with everyone just putting their top back on. That becomes the standard you wish that community would set. But you don’t get to change the standard. You just have to stare directly at the sun until you have not only burned your eyeballs out, but hopefully the image of that herd of beasts you just saw thundering down the beach collecting shells as well.
Here’s another example–If you’re like me, there are certain words that you use around your friends that you don’t use around your parents. Actually, if you’re like me, there are lots of these words. I call it “parent vocabulary”. You may have a “kids are around” vocabulary that is similar. Do I think it’s a little silly that these words offend them? Sure. But it’s not big deal for me to refrain from using those words around them, even when we are on my turf…nothing lost.
In fact, that’s why I rarely curse when writing on this site. It’s not because cursing offends me at all. It’s because I’d rather set a standard here of saying what you want to say without cursing. There are times when that’s really the only way to get your point across, and in these times the use of naughty words makes the post more effective, at least in my opinion. I don’t have to explicitly state that–it’s implied, and most people with half a brain pick up on it.
And by the way, I really appreciate the fact that most of the people who comment here are respectful of that standard, even if the standards on their own sites are different.
I’m not personally offended by, well, anything. However, there was some stuff posted yesterday that I had to chop out of the comments. For my community standards, language isn’t the ultimate determining factor, it’s whether or not anything is being added to to the discussion. So yesterday I ended up deleting comments that were nothing more than links to the girl’s site and a couple that were just curse word laden without saying anything. Those would probably have been deleted even without the cursing. No one will miss them anyway.
But I’m perfectly ok letting a comment like, “all these prudes wouldn’t be here with out perverted thought from their horny dads muttered to their whore moms” from a commenter named “dickinyourdaughterdown” stand. Why? Because it is funny. My community standard (at least for that post) is that if I was amused, it’s a good comment. In this case, the post wouldn’t have been nearly as good if he hadn’t used the phrases “horny dads” and “whore moms”.
So summing all this up (I’m sure you couldn’t wait for that), I’d bet most people in sleepy ol’ Bartlett probably wouldn’t have cared if she’d shot this video in her house, or her backyard, or behind a WalMart at 3:30 am. Their problem with it was the fact that it was on a kids’ playground in broad daylight. A little prudish? Maybe by your standards, but you aren’t being loaded onto a truck and forced to live there either.
What would I think if this happened in the park where we take our kid? I doubt I’d think much of it if my kid wasn’t there to see it–no harm, no foul. And if we were there? I’ll give these folks the benefit of the doubt and say that they probably wouldn’t have shot the video in that situation anyway. Besides, I have enough to keep me occupied to bother getting upset over something that hasn’t even happened.
I’ve commented here before about how stupid you must be to allow someone to film you naked and not keep the one and only copy for yourself. Common sense risk management should tell you that it may end up on the internet. But letting someone photograph or film your privates in a public place with the intent of posting it on the web is even dumber–especially when that place is a playground. That’s what these geniuses did in Bartlett Tennessee.
Action News 5 was unable to locate the “model.” She writes on the web-site that the pornographic shoot took place just last week.
Give it, I don’t know, 2 hours or so and someone will identify her and post something on their blog or a message board about it. Probably no jail time involved, but I’d bet a heavy fine will come out of this.
Seriously, on a playground? And you’re stupid enough to say which playground? I guess there’s a reason why you are, ahem, “modeling” and not practicing medicine.
The news report calls this video “porn”. I don’t think a naked skank on a slide really qualifies as porn, but I guess community standards are what apply here.
I don’t know why, but the other day I thought about a post I read on a running message board a few years ago. When I read this post I immediately copied it and pasted it into an email to myself because: (1) It is one of the funniest and most insane things I’ve ever read, and (2) I (correctly) assumed it would soon be deleted off of the message board.
Crazy people–I love them. Especially when they have no idea how crazy they are. In this case, I made a smart ass response to the original post sarcastically agreeing with the author, and she quickly replied with a sincere “thanks for the understanding”. She really had no clue that I was just making fun of her.
Beware--Fast Runner Training
I’ve protected the author’s name to save her further embarrassment, but this just has to be posted publicly somewhere. No, it’s not my original content, but she obviously wanted to be heard. Here’s her chance…
From: S******* C******
Category: Places to Run
Date: 29 Jan 2004
Time: 19:52:27
Remote Name: xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx
WARNING- DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RUN AT THE INDOOR TRACK AT THE PIGEON FORGE RECREATIONAL CENTER IN PIGEON FORGE TENNESSEE!I joined the center in October and paid my yearly membership fund so that I could utilize their advertised indoor “running track.” I have been running for 14 years and have placed in every race I have entered in the past few
years.
The first rule of persuasive writing–establish authority. In this case I’m not sure if she was trying to build credibility or just tell us all how fast she is. “Real” runners shouldn’t have to put up with the abuse she endured as described below.
I generally try to run outside if it is 40 degrees or above because that is what I enjoy. However sometimes it is impossible to run outdoors, which leads me to my warning… Since being a member at the Rec Center I have had to dodge unattended children playing on the track, even though employees were in full witness of the event and doing nothing to prevent it. I almost ran head on into one that was running the wrong direction so I finally went and complained. The kids were removed from the track. Since that date I have constantly had to slow down (sometimes to a dead stop) to get around walkers that are taking up the full track four abreast.
Kids playing? People walking? At a rec center? Just who the hell do they think they are?!
On Wednesday of this week I attempted to pass two overweight ladies who were utilizing the entire track while talking and paying no attention to their surroundings.
Hold the phone. Not paying attention is one thing, but being overweight is quite another. See how she coaxes the audience (all readers of a running message board) to her side of the argument by emphasizing the fact that the walkers and talkers were overweight?
It says, “they’re not like us” without actually saying it.
I yelled out “track” twice and they finally looked behind them and moved over in the nick of time.
It is well known in the walking community that “track” means to move.
I went around the track several times, each time having to slow down and ask them to move over to the right. Once they didn’t move over in time and it resulted in a large bruise on my left elbow from scraping the wall as I tried to pass them without hitting them.
The first fallacy of this essay–no bruise on any elbow can be very large.
I went back around the track, still hoping that they may eventually start to follow the posted track rules (walkers to the right, runners on the outside lane).
Pay attention here. The “rules” are an integral part of the rest of this post.
As I came around the corner I realized that once again I was going to hit the wall because they weren’t getting out of the way. To prevent from hitting the wall (or running over her) I reached over and gently pushed her over to the right by her arm. I went on around the track and thought that would be the end of it.
“Gently” pushed her–that’s key. She didn’t slap the lady or trip her. She just pushed her…gently.
As I passed her again she yelled out something that I could hear over my headphones. I slowed to a stop and turned around and asked her what she had said. She said “Don’t touch me. Just ask me to get out of the way.” I told her that I had repeatedly tried to do just that, and would she rather that I had just run over her? I explained that it is very hard to stop when you are training and running a 6.5 minute mile.
Actually, I bet she would have preferred that. Any woman I’ve seen who does training runs at 6.5 minute miles on an 1/8 mile indoor track must be pretty low on total body mass. I bet this overweight walker would have gotten a real kick out of you trying to run over her.
I told her to please just stay on her side of the track (as the posted rules stated) or I would have to go complain at the front desk.
The Rules.
I continued to run again. Everytime I would pass her she would then stop, face me and make remarks. I tried to ignore her realizing that she would probably soon tire and leave the track.
She must tire out soon…she is overweight…remember?
She finally did. I didn’t complain on her when I left because I didn’t won’t to start any trouble. The next evening I was working out in the weight room minding my own business when I was approached by the Rec Center manager (S**** B*******)who told me that he had received a complaint on me last night that I had “shoved” a lady on the track. I attempted to tell him that it was totally untrue and tried to tell my side of the story.
Uh…I thought you shoving her was your side of the story? Oh, wait. You didn’t shove, you “gently pushed.” It was nice of you not to start any trouble by complaining on her though.
He didn’t wish to hear my side of the story, or see the bruise on my arm, or acknowledge that I was in full complaince of the posted Rec Center track rules.
Full compliance of the rules–because there isn’t a rule posted that says you can’t gently push people.
He did not wish to give me the name of the lady that complained. I told him that in addition to this episode, other runners had complained about similar incidents. I told him that other incidents had occurred in which individuals refused to comply to the posted track rules.
Complained to him, or complained to her? Were these real runners, or just voices in her head? How can we be sure?
I told him the night before there was also a toddler (2-3 years of age) that was also wandering the track. The manager told me that he didn’t have enough employees to monitor the track (even though they have cameras on every corner of the track). I asked him if he was telling me I couldn’t run there anymore. He responded that the track was actually a jogging/walking track, not for running and that it was perfectly okay for people to be walking the way they were (even though posted #3 rule stated “Please Limit Walking Patterns To 2 Wide).
The rule says it plain and simple!
He told me that I run “too fast” , even though I usually interval with 8 minute miles!
In other words, “You don’t know what fast is! This stuff I do in your rec center is Mickey Mouse compared to the times I clock when a wooden plaque and gift certificate to Smoothie King are on the line.”
I told him that the Rec Center advertised it as a running track when I joined and reminded him that Rule #4 stated “Walkers please stay on the inside of the track, RUNNERS on the outside.”
The rule says it!
He continued to argue with me and tell me that during January and February I should probably just run elsewhere or during early morning hours.
Wait. I’m confused. Was he arguing with her or was she arguing with him?
I told him that I wanted my money back if I couldn’t utilize the track when I needed it. He said okay “let’s go downstairs and get your money”.
Sounds like we have an agreement.
By then I was beginning to lose my cool. After all I had obeyed the rules and done nothing wrong.
This is where she lost her cool…not before. And because there isn’t a no shoving pushing rule, she obviously hadn’t broken any.
I looked at him and calmly said “Just keep my fucking money.I don’t need it and I won’t be back.” (I probably shouldn’t have said it, but he had pushed all my buttons by this point.I said it only in the presence of him.)
At least she remained calm. And by the way…she still hasn’t broken a rule at this point. It’s not posted anywhere that you can’t curse at the staff. The only part I don’t understand is why you would second guess yourself at this point. She asked for her money back, and he agreed to give it to her. It only makes sense to start dropping F-bombs and refuse the money.
He looked at me and said “That’s it! Your out of here right now or I am calling the Police.” I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. I told him to go ahead and call the police because I had done nothing wrong and obeyed the rules.
The rules. Again.
I also told him I would be getting a lawyer. He did call the police and had me escorted out. I did not receive my membership fee back and it was a great embarrassment to me (especially
since I did not violate the rules).
I thought she told him to keep her f-ing membership fee? Was she embarrassed by his actions, or hers? Did I mention that she didn’t break any rules?
I intend on getting a lawyer and was hoping one of my fellow runners could suggest a good one since I will be going up against the City of Pigeon Forge. Thanks for listening to my story and any input you may have would be appreciated. In the mean time, please choose your running tracks carefully, if you are really into fitness training.
I wish I’d pursued law, just so I could offer up my services and meet this mental specimen. I’m left with only following her advice carefully because I am really into fitness training.
