Here’s What I’m Trying to Say

Here are ten phrases and terms I’d like to work into my daily conversation arsenal:

  1. My sources are telling me
  2. The biggest no-brainer in the history of earth
  3. Working like heck
  4. Boondoggle
  5. Let’s break this down
  6. Change
  7. That’s a good point
  8. My old lady
  9. I don’t think you understand your question
  10. Not guilty

There are plenty of others, but this is a good list to start with.  If I can work one or two in on a regular basis I’m sure to annoy friends and law enforcement regularly.

***UPDATE***

SVD takes it to the next level.  He works the whole list into one diatribe.

I Don’t Feel Like Writing

But these people do.  So go read their posts.

LissaKay on how socialism works.  Notice the guy at the top pays the same amount either way.

BillyMac has fun playing with John McCain’s tongue.  Strange fetish.

Why Libertarians and true conservatives don’t win elections.  Duh.

Seth Godin writes a post about me–too small to fail.  If I had a nickel…

Jen has some thoughts on Warren Buffet’s recent op-ed piece.  My big problem with it is that Warren Buffet has a huge financial interest in bailouts and market recoveries.  Do it because you think you should, not because he thinks you should.

An Anonymous Idiot is begging for more chicks with tattoos.

Just Sayin’ has some ideas on Money and Power.

Stolen bases= free tacos.  Bet on it!  Why can’t someone do this with sub-prime mortages?  What a great way to give everyone home ownership!

If you’re going to be a criminal anyway, don’t pay for the privelage.

We Interrupt This Race For Some Negativity

There’s no way I’d ever run for public office.  Ok, maybe I would just out of spite, but I’d never do it with any illusions about my electibility.  I seems political success is somehow tied to likability, which disqualifies me.  But just in case I do run, here’s a little head start for my opponents in case the campaign goes negative.

And if I get my way, it will go negative.  

I’ve taken a page out of Stephen Littau’s book and written a negative campaign against myself based on past blog posts.

Sadcox…he seems like a nice enough guy, but have you looked at where he stands on the issues?

Sadcox has as considered raising his own children based on recommendations of an aged and addled Rock Star.  Sadcox is in favor of deregulation of PIMPS and has counseled and encouraged unwed single mothers to break up marriages.  His gambling problem runs so deep that he’s wagered furniture on the results of a basketball game.

And what about education?  Sadcox has called some school administrators “turds”, and has referred to children who participate in fund raisers as “beggars”.  He’s in favor of eliminating all federal funding for education, and has the audacity to mention Shakespeare and Tupac Shakur together.

Not only that…(dramatic pause)

Sadcox calls Social Security a ponzi scheme.

In these uncertain times, can you really afford a leader who is willing to trust you with your own money?  Do you feel comfortable risking your safety by voting for someone who has enough beezwax of his own to worry about yours?

Vote for someone who is willing to take responsibilty so that you don’t have to.  Vote for the other guy.

This was a very theraputic experience, and I recommend all of you give it a shot as well.

Stock Market Realization

I just realized last night why the ol’ gov’ment is so concerned about the stock market’s behavior over the last couple of weeks–they are afraid of competition.  I’m not talking about competition among business operating in an free market.  I’m talking about the free market’s competition with the gov’ment.

Up until now, the only way to achieve the negative returns people have seen in their 401ks was Social Security. 

Take a Ride on This Dhingy

The biggest cruise liner ever:

This cruiser is the first one to boast an authentic grass lawn on its top deck.

I’m assuming the purpose of the grass is to keep you from getting a huge lump on your forehead when you smack it onto the top deck when tackling another unsuspecting passenger?

Remind me to tell you that story some time.

I’ve only been on one cruise, and I didn’t like it.  I have a hunch that a certain unsuspecting fellow passenger didn’t like it either.

When’s the Damn Future Gonna Get Here?!

 

The Future is Gone
The Future is Gone

Back in my mall ratting days (18 or 19 years ago), I was in awe of the guy who worked at Dippin’ Dots.  I mean, it’s the Ice Cream of the Future, and this guy gets to work around it all day..IN THE PRESENT!

I was at the mall today, and I think I saw the same guy working there.  Now I feel bad for him.  The future has passed him by.  

Now, will someone please tell Dippin’ Dots that the ice cream revolution they’ve been waiting for probably isn’t going to happen?  Even those of us who bought into their radical new ideas of frozen dessert anarchy (let’s call it what it is) have grown up and given in to Marble Slab and Cold Stone’s traditional style ice cream.  Sorry, those mixins are just irresistible.

Four Tips On Picking Up Somebody Else’s Baby Daddy

It’s not that I really mind getting hit on by women when I take Chick Pea out by myself. I mean, it’s flattering and all, and I don’t want to discourage it. But please, all you baby’s mamas and disaffected housewives, you need to bring your A-game. I’ve seen way too many mistakes lately. Here are a few things you may want to keep in mind the next time you’re scoping out the father of someone else’s child in the park, mall, or payday advance center:

Don’t have your mom (the granny) do your dirty work.

The Ultimate Bait
The Ultimate Bait

Remember when your friend did this for you in that bar 18 months ago? That may have been a factor that contributed to your current situation. It says desperate and weak if you need your mom to come up and talk to me first, then introduce me to you. The best you can hope for out of this situation is that we’ll have one play date, you’ll supply the juice and crackers, and I’ll never call you again.

Don’t strategically place your child near mine to get your foot in the door.
I know you’re thinking that they’ll become instant playground friends. In your head they’ll be giving each other toddler hugs and kisses within a few minutes and I’ll sit down beside you on the bench and ask all about your little darling, and eventually you. Sorry, but it probably won’t go down like that. More than likely that encounter is going to end in your kid crying and possibly bleeding. Don’t blame me. I didn’t teach her to behave this way–it’s genetic.

Some married guys may be a little resistant to your advances
Let me clarify here. It’s a fantasy of most guys to meet a single mom who’s depending on her parents to support her and her kids(s) and may or may not have been to rehab a couple of times. Bonus if you yell at your kids over every little thing they do and fill the toddler’s sippy cup with soft drinks. Unfortunately for you, after they’ve made a commitment to someone else, some guys have a problem giving in to this fantasy. So if your target is a married guy, it would help for you to be really hot. Did I say hot? I meant really rich. Oh yeah, and it wouldn’t hurt if you’re really hot.

Bring better snacks than The Missus packed for us
If you need help reading between the lines, that means B-E-E-R. I’m spelling it out because mine repeats everything now, and I don’t want her talking to her mom about me drinking the beer you brought to the park. I mean, everything she says sounds like “Padasht”, but it will be pretty obvious she’s talking about my drinking when she starts stumbling around and falls on her ass, then just laughs about it. Mom will know something is up because she never packs beer for us when we go out. If you don’t have beer, I could possibly be lured into striking distance with a Fudge Round or a bag of Tom’s salt and vinegar potato chips.

These aren’t hard and fast rules, just general guidelines. For instance, some dads may prefer hard liquor to beer, and others may actually be happy to talk to your mom, what with the Cougar Craze sweeping the nation right now. As is the case any time you are on the prowl for someone to play dad to your kids temporarily, you’ll have to feel each situation out and adjust your strategy.

Fire Fulmer! Redux

Here that?  That’s the muffled sound of cars running in closed garages all over East Tennessee.  There are big problems in the area.  Well, big problems unless you advertise on sports radio here and want your ad heard in between the “Fire Fulmer” calls.  It seems like I wrote this exact post exactly one year ago.  Oh yeah, I did.

After the stats about how long it’s been since the Vols won an SEC Championship, coasting since 1998, and how good Florida is every year, we’ll be asked that age old question…

“When are we gonna get somebody in here that can get it done?”

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Email, Blogging, and Twitter Explained

SVD is documenting his forays into these mediums (where else) on his blog. All of these things mean so many different things to different people. Here’s how I like to describe them…

When I send you an email, it’s the equivalent of me inviting you over to the house for a cup of coffee. We’re sitting at the kitchen table having a conversation. This has a few implications. For instance, “thanks” is not acceptable for an email in its entirety. I wouldn’t invite you over to my house to say “Thanks” and then slam the door in your face would I? Don’t be surprised, however, if I come banging on your door to borrow an egg or some milk though. These are the emails where I ask stupid questions.

When I write something on my blog and people comment, it’s the equivalent of me standing out in my yard and talking to whatever neighbors happen to drop by to talk. I’m lazy, so I’m probably sitting in a chair instead of standing, but you get the idea. Anyone is free to drop by and discuss, even if they don’t live in my ‘hood. This has implications too. For instance, driving by and yelling “F You!” or walking up and trying to sell me Viagra means you’re going to be ignored. Also, my “yard” isn’t as nice or visited by as many passers by as some. See, my yard isn’t near an interstate–it’s more like a gravel road–so there usually aren’t as many people stopping by. On some days, I just sit out there whittling and taking naps all by myself. Other days I just stay inside and nap.  If you stop by, it helps to bring beer.

And Twitter? Twitter is like all of us are piled into a bunch of eighteen wheelers and talking on CBs with antennas so big that the whole world can tune in. Anytime something important happens, it will hit Twitter as fast as news of a Smoky seen setting up a speed trap. Anyone with their ears on will definitely know about it.

Wait, I have a better description for Twitter…

Twitter is like ham radio for people who can get a date.

Community Standards

First of all, a few housekeeping items…

Thanks to all of the new readers I’ve picked up in the past couple of days for subscribing. Nothing like a naked chick in a public park to boost readership, huh? And thanks to all of my readers who were with me long before this latest bit of urgent news hit Tennessee. Sorry if you guys were locked out yesterday–we had a little bandwidth issue while people were flooding the gate.

Something that came up in the discussion about the naked woman on the playground in Barlett was whether or not this woman had actually done anything wrong. Lots of folks were throwing up the fact that there are nude beaches in city A or this had been challenged in city B and that the Baptist minister should get a life. Others were saying that she’s unequivocally wrong and damn her to hell. So who’s right? I think it really comes down to community standards.

Yeah, this is the United States where we take everything to the Supreme Court that may involve free speech, but let’s just step back for a minute and look at this calmly. What’s wrong with a community setting its own standards of decency, and what’s wrong with respecting that standard? It’s not as if the fine folks in Bartlett want to outlaw bumper stickers or women showing their wrists. They just don’t want hot naked chicks playing in their parks.

I know you may be thinking, “why would you want to limit the presence of hot naked chicks anywhere?” Well, if you’ve ever been to a topless beach, you are well aware that for every hot topless French chick there are about 15 disgusting old German women who are topless as well. All of your hopes and dreams about a topless beach are quickly vanquished. All of a sudden, you are perfectly ok with everyone just putting their top back on. That becomes the standard you wish that community would set. But you don’t get to change the standard. You just have to stare directly at the sun until you have not only burned your eyeballs out, but hopefully the image of that herd of beasts you just saw thundering down the beach collecting shells as well.

Here’s another example–If you’re like me, there are certain words that you use around your friends that you don’t use around your parents. Actually, if you’re like me, there are lots of these words. I call it “parent vocabulary”. You may have a “kids are around” vocabulary that is similar. Do I think it’s a little silly that these words offend them? Sure. But it’s not big deal for me to refrain from using those words around them, even when we are on my turf…nothing lost.

In fact, that’s why I rarely curse when writing on this site. It’s not because cursing offends me at all. It’s because I’d rather set a standard here of saying what you want to say without cursing. There are times when that’s really the only way to get your point across, and in these times the use of naughty words makes the post more effective, at least in my opinion. I don’t have to explicitly state that–it’s implied, and most people with half a brain pick up on it.

And by the way, I really appreciate the fact that most of the people who comment here are respectful of that standard, even if the standards on their own sites are different.

I’m not personally offended by, well, anything. However, there was some stuff posted yesterday that I had to chop out of the comments. For my community standards, language isn’t the ultimate determining factor, it’s whether or not anything is being added to to the discussion. So yesterday I ended up deleting comments that were nothing more than links to the girl’s site and a couple that were just curse word laden without saying anything. Those would probably have been deleted even without the cursing. No one will miss them anyway.

But I’m perfectly ok letting a comment like, “all these prudes wouldn’t be here with out perverted thought from their horny dads muttered to their whore moms” from a commenter named “dickinyourdaughterdown” stand. Why? Because it is funny. My community standard (at least for that post) is that if I was amused, it’s a good comment. In this case, the post wouldn’t have been nearly as good if he hadn’t used the phrases “horny dads” and “whore moms”.

So summing all this up (I’m sure you couldn’t wait for that), I’d bet most people in sleepy ol’ Bartlett probably wouldn’t have cared if she’d shot this video in her house, or her backyard, or behind a WalMart at 3:30 am. Their problem with it was the fact that it was on a kids’ playground in broad daylight. A little prudish? Maybe by your standards, but you aren’t being loaded onto a truck and forced to live there either.

What would I think if this happened in the park where we take our kid? I doubt I’d think much of it if my kid wasn’t there to see it–no harm, no foul. And if we were there? I’ll give these folks the benefit of the doubt and say that they probably wouldn’t have shot the video in that situation anyway. Besides, I have enough to keep me occupied to bother getting upset over something that hasn’t even happened.